So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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