Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Randomize
