Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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