when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
