It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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