Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We left an ass print on the piano.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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