Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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