we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Semen is not good for contacts.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
