hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
