Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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