Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
