he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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