Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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