I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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