That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
