I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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