Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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