Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
