Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
