I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
