i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
