There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
