I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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