i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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