I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
