i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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