Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
