can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
