It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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