I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
