you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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