I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
