How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
