At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
no you cant smoke seaweed
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
