ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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