____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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