I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
