I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
