she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
