dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
