Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
