I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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