I'm jealous of your bromance
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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