I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
