Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I could make wine with my vomit
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
