Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
