I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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