Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
