im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
