I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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