before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
