you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
