I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
