a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
