the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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