I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im having a threesome with these popsicles
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
